This is an excerpt from my submission to the inquiry into the health impacts of alcohol and other drugs in Australia.
Experiencing alcohol dependence and recovery has been a significant, life-threatening and life-changing process. I experienced physical, mental, social, relational, work and financial harms.
Purpose. I am very grateful that I have not had the need to use alcohol for 25 years. I share my story of alcohol dependence for a few reasons:
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- for identification for people who may know someone struggling with dependence,
- to help reduce the stigma and shame associated with dependence,
- to challenge the portrayal in marketing, media and politics, that alcohol must somehow be central to every part of Australian life: normalising, glamorising or stigmatising it.
- to inform research, policies and programs, not just to illustrate or inspire.
Background. I didn’t fit some stereotypes of alcohol dependence, as I didn’t use alcohol until my mid-20s. But I did end up using alcohol excessively and compulsively for many years. I began drinking in the late 1980s, and gradually increased my use with home brewed beer, wine club deliveries and many solo work trips interstate and overseas in the 1990s.
Geographical isolation. My inability to stop drinking, led me to deny and hide my dependence, and move interstate from Sydney to Brisbane to escape the scrutiny of family and friends. The very things I needed to be well, that is: connection with people and the ability to think clearly – were both seriously damaged and distorted by my alcohol dependence.
Progression. I graduated from beer to wine to spirits, increasing the quantity, frequency and consequences. My alcohol dependence became a terrifying and exhausting nightmare, deeply damaging to all aspects of my life: my family, my work and my mental and physical health. I had significant relationship and financial problems. I experienced anxiety and depression. I was often physically unwell with searing gut pain, heart palpitations, memory blackouts, disturbed sleep and auditory hallucinations.
| If you do something that hurts and harms, then you stop – but not with addiction. If you’re sick, you simply go to the doctor – but not with addiction. The illness keeps making you sicker and also prevents you from seeking the help you need to get well. |
Mental obsession. The physical unwellness, emotional shame and mental anguish led to extreme desperation. Dependence was an overwhelming, powerful obsession locking out other considerations. If I wasn’t drinking, I was thinking about drinking. If I wasn’t drunk, I was miserable. Eventually, alcohol became the most important thing in my life. No matter what else was going on, the thought of where and when I would get my next drink was always top of my mind. Trying to juggle life responsibilities alongside my alcohol obsession was overwhelming.
Wide ranging harms. I often went against my own values – my behaviour was unacceptable to me and others. My own self-criticism was usually worse than anything anyone else could say to me. I was barely able to hide my drinking from my family. Thankfully, I did not become physically violent with people but was so with furniture on occasions. I couldn’t do anything sober. I was a so-called ‘functioning alcoholic’ – still somehow working and part of a family. But my world had narrowed significantly to drinking, earning money to drink, and trying to hold on to my family, believing I would simply die without them.
Futile attempts to control or quit. I finally acknowledged to my wife that I was an alcoholic – but without a clue about what to do about it, except keep drinking. I tried many times to quit or cut back on my own, but was never able to keep it up, despite trying many suggestions about times of day / week, or never alone / never at home. I would try giving promises, car keys and credit cards to my wife, but nothing ever worked.
| I had no capacity to respond positively to any public health messaging. |
Baffling. I was totally baffled by my reaction to this substance. Why did I obsessively go back, again and again, to something I knew was so damaging to me and others? Although I knew the stereotype of ‘alcoholics’, the increasing shame and isolation meant that I did not know anyone else personally who used alcohol the way I did. Alcohol didn’t even make me feel good anymore! It did the opposite of what the alcohol ads promised. I drank to feel good but felt bad; I drank to relax but got the shakes; I drank to remove inhibition and became isolated; I drank to gain confidence but got anxious; I drank for inspiration but became brain fogged.
Downward spiral. I experienced the vicious spiral of using alcohol to relax, only to have it make me more anxious. The worse I felt, the more I would drink, which made me feel even worse. My first thought every morning was a drink, and first action when experiencing a bad hangover was the ‘hair of the dog’ ‘medicine’ to treat the problem with the very thing that had caused it. I continued to have an overwhelming urge to use it, despite feeling no relief from it anymore.
Rock bottom. I had a blood test which showed my liver was seriously affected by my drinking, but was simply put on anti-depressants, which required abstinence to work, which I couldn’t achieve. I wasn’t safe to travel by myself and had to have my family accompany me on business trips. I finally experienced a ‘rock bottom’ in a hotel room in Canberra, on a work trip in 2000. During that week, I knew for certain, that if I kept drinking that I would die, but I also knew, just as certainly, that it was completely impossible for me to stop drinking. I was totally isolated and was suicidal. I was convinced that I had lost both my family and my business.
Rehab and relief. I was finally able to seek help, and I ended up in a Sydney rehab in mid-2000. I was introduced to clinical treatment and peer-based support. Firstly, I experienced an enormous relief in realising that this was a ‘thing’, it wasn’t just defective me. There is a mental health condition called ‘Alcohol Use Disorder’, which is not just about how much you drink – but the affect it has on you. I was a sick person needing to get well, not a bad person needing to become good. And secondly, I realised I was not alone. I discovered there were plenty of people just like me who experienced the harms and overwhelming contradictions of alcohol dependence. I had some hope, but not confidence, and decided to give it a try.
Recovery and sense of community. I found enormous diversity among the people in recovery and made many new friends. I identified strongly with hearing other people’s stories, and it convinced me that recovery was possible. I was too scared not to do the suggestions that others had followed, so when I returned to Brisbane, I quickly committed to actively following a peer-based recovery program.
Everything changed. Recovering from dependence led to big changes in my life, as I continued to access both therapy and peer support. Despite all the damage it had done, alcohol had been my best friend (as well as my worst enemy), so there was a period of mourning the absence of alcohol, despite the relief. Some damage continued after I got sober. I experienced both divorce and bankruptcy in early sobriety. After living on the disability pension for a year, I worked in social services, did postgraduate study, which led to working in policy for the past 8 years.
Things got better. While dependence caused some permanent harms, recovery has also brought ongoing benefits. Life is not without struggles and challenges, but it always has a way forward with some strengths, wisdom and optimism that may never have been there without having gone through dependence and recovery. Recovery allowed me to rebuild relationships and develop personally, especially with my daughters, who now have their own families, and my partner of 14 years who has never seen me drink.
What it’s like now. Most of the time I’m pretty content, and I don’t ever think alcohol can solve a problem. “Nothing is so bad, that alcohol can’t make it worse”. I continue to access mental health support as needed. Other people’s drinking doesn’t usually bother me. We often have alcohol in the house for my partner and visitors. I am grateful every day that alcohol dependence didn’t kill me as it did others I’ve known.